Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'