I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.