I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.