Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.