If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.