I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.