It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?