Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!