Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Men are as faithful as their options.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.