If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.