Women are made to be loved not understood.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.