I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.