I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.