If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.