All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.