Cynicism is humour in ill health.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.