Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.