[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.