Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.