I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.