Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.