Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.