I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps