I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?