Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.