I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.