If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Men are as faithful as their options.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.