Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.