I'm single because I was born that way.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.