The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.