I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.