You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.