I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.