I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.