I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.