Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.