You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.