Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.