I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.