If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.