When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.