Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.