He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.