To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!