If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.