Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.