You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.