If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Men are as faithful as their options.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.