If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.