I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.