There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.