God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Men are as faithful as their options.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.