The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.