I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.