What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.