If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.