I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.