Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.