It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.