I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

No good deed goes unpunished.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'