I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!