I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.