I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.