If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.