I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.