Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?