I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.