There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.