Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?