When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.