I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I drink to make other people more interesting.