Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!