A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.