Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.