At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.