Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.