It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.