A day without laughter is a day wasted.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Men are as faithful as their options.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?