Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.