The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.