He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.