Cynicism is humour in ill health.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.