We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm single because I was born that way.