[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.