The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

No good deed goes unpunished.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.