I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.