I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.