Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.