That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.