If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.