There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.