There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.