Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Women are made to be loved not understood.