Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.