If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.