At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Women are made to be loved not understood.