A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.