You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.