Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.