We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.