Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.