I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?