Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!