All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.