Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.