By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.