I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I'm single because I was born that way.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.