I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.