He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.