Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.