A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.