I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.