[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.