A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Men are as faithful as their options.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.