I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.