A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.