You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.