I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.