You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.