If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.