I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.