If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.