If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.