Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.