I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.