There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.