Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.