I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.