I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.