The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.