My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.