I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.