[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.