You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.