The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.