You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.