There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.