You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.