If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.