Men are as faithful as their options.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.