Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I'm single because I was born that way.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
No good deed goes unpunished.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.