Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.