I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.