I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.