There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity