If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.