I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.