Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.