I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.