My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.