I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.