If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.