No good deed goes unpunished.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ