The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!