At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.