If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.