In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.