A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.