No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.