Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.