In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.