Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.