It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.