Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

No good deed goes unpunished.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.