Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.