Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!