I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.