A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.