If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.