A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.