If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.