Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.