My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.