To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.