If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?