The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.