I drink to make other people more interesting.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I'm single because I was born that way.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.