The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.