Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.