I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.