If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.