Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.