Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.