[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.