I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.