Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.