Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.