I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.