I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Men are as faithful as their options.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.