Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

No good deed goes unpunished.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Sex is an emotion in motion.