I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.