Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.