But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.