When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.