If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.