Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.