The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.