Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.