I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.