Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.