Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.