I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.