My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.