If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.