I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.