The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.