There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.