If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.