God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.