I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.