I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.