My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.