There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps