Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.