Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Men are as faithful as their options.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.