If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

No good deed goes unpunished.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.