Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.