Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?