If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.