By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Men are as faithful as their options.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?