A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.