The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.