Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.