Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

No good deed goes unpunished.