If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.