My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.