Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?