And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.