There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
