Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm single because I was born that way.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

No good deed goes unpunished.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!