I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.