Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…