I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.