The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.