To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Men are as faithful as their options.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity