Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.