Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.