I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.