A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.