My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.