I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.